Friday, January 22, 2010
“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” — Albert Einstein
How true this is. After The Little was born, I went through a terrible bout of postpartum depression. It was the darkest place I had ever been in my entire life. Darker than losing both of my parents. Darker than dealing with infertility. Darker than the teenage angst of high school. One terrifying evening, the situation culminated to a very dangerous precipice. The very small portion of my brain that was still rational realized the thoughts I was having about myself and my own worth were not normal. I slowly stepped away from a situation that could have had devastating effects for my husband and newborn son and took a deep breath. That evening I told my husband my deepest, darkest thoughts and feelings. His caring and love, combined with the support group The Baby Blues Connection , individual therapy and medication pulled me from this dismal abyss and back into the light.
While I was in individual therapy, one of the hardest things I worked on was the concept of attracting the positive into my life. I approached the the idea with a very large dose of skepticism. I had such a difficult time understanding the laws of attraction without seeing it as black and white. I knew I couldn't just put out into the universe the thought that I wanted a million dollars and "poof" it would appear. I couldn't wish into existence a new car, or unending health, or to have my parents back. I struggled greatly with the concept that it is good and worthy to focus on the positive, to see beauty in the everyday, to tell the world what it was that I wanted in no uncertain terms and expect that it would be provided for me.
Slowly though, ever so slowly I began the journey of expecting good things in my life. As the cloud of despair and turmoil lifted and I entered recovery from my postpartum depression this attitude of positivity, of wanting, needing, and demanding excellence from my life and the world around me became easier. And while I still don't think I can wish a Porsche into my driveway, focusing on the positive in life has in turn brought me more happiness than I ever thought I deserved.
So today, I am grateful for the all the things in my life, big and small that bring me happiness. I am grateful for all the wonderful experiences that have yet to happen to me. I am grateful for my family, my friends, the roof over our head, the food on our table, the giggles we share as we make a fort under the coffee table, the husband that returns this evening after a week long business trip. I expect that life will throw me curve balls once in a while. But I also expect and demand that my life will be full of great joy, happiness, love, and beauty.
Yours in gratefulness for this amazing journey,